Communication Skills 101

1. Eye Contact: Some believe the eyes are the gateway to the soul. Eye contact not only tells people that you are being honest, it shows them that you are listening and truly care about what they have to say. Janine Driver suggests that 60% of an average conversation should have eye contact. Anything more is weird (except in the case of love birds). Anything less shows disinterest.

2. Verbal Acknowledgement: The mmhhmm's, yes's, wow's, okay's, yeah's, ::head nods::, really?, you're kidding!, I see. You get the point. Sporadically let people know that you are not only hearing, but processing what they are saying.

3. Remembering Names, Repeating names: There is nothing better than the sound of your own name. By remembering names, you show people that they matter. Use the "name" as a tool to connect and touch people's lives. Janine Driver suggests you use the person's name at least 5 times throughout an average conversation to convey that you cherish their existence. Here's a trick I use. When you meet the new neighbor named John, imagine them dancing with the John who's been delivering your pizza for the past 3 years. Connecting something/someone new to something/someone you already know helps you process and retain new information.

4. Open, confident body: When we feel nervous or uncomfortable, we subconsciously comfort ourselves by closing our bodies, figiting, and touching ourselves. We fold our arms, cross our legs, play with our hair, pick our skin, you name it. To communicate confidence (even if you don't necessarily feel it), stand erect, don't excessively cover or fold your body, and don't fidget.

5. Paraphrasing: "Hey, John. You said you love horror films. How about we go see "Saw" this weekend?" Remembering and repeating the little things people say in your own words can go a lonnnnng way. If memorization is not your fortay, take notes. It sounds nerdy, but a little nerdiness is worth making someone feel heard and appreciated.

6. Presence: Be here now. When you are with someone, be with them. Don't engage in five other conversations on your phone, facebook, twitter, myspace, or IM. Like anything, there are probably exceptions to this. But as a rule of thumb, be present as much as possible.

7. The "Touch": No, not a grope or an extended caress. That's creepy. A simple touch. If someone says something insightful, funny, or profound, acknowledge them with a little touch on the arm or knee. As they exit, give a hug, or touch on the back to lead them out the door. Touching shows affection, care, respect, and warmth.

9. Being open, but not too open: People don't care until they know you care. People also (usually) aren't open until they know you are open. Therefore, the first step to getting another person to open up to you is by opening up to them. This does not involve a five hour narrative of your life-story. It can be as simple as, "I have a fear of heights", "I really miss my daughter, who currently lives in another state" or "I really have a passion for hiking". For more on this, read the social penetration theory. Interesting stuff.

10. Not interrupting, assuming, or putting down: Some of us (including myself) have a difficult time with this one. Point blank, allow some silence between communicative exchange to ensure the speaker's statement is complete. Don't make concrete assumptions about people based on the little information they provide you. It's natural to characterize and categorize people--but don't ever assume you know a person in his/her entirety. Finally, don't put others down. I know many people (including myself) that have a sarcastic sense of humor. Let's be real--not all people find crudeness or sarcasm funny. Get to know people a little bit before entering sarcastic territory.

11. No apologies: At any point, a crazy old lady could probably whack me in the face with a cane and I'd be the one uttering apologies. Break away from saying "sorry" as a kneejerk response. It may take practice, but it'll make you feel and appear stronger. Apologies are like a fine wine. Reserve them for important occasions.

Nature

Greetings!
I recently returned from a job training excursion to Laguna Beach, California. Road Runners Sports, my employer, put me in a hotel on the Pacific Coast Highway, which is a mere quarter mile away from the ocean.

Upon arrival, I felt somewhat delusional. Yet, after I got situated and ate some dinner, I felt much better. Throughout the week, my fellow teammates and I trained for 8 hours a day. The rest was free time.

Set aside from the intensive training, there are two memories that will forever remain in my mind. One starry, warm evening--after a long day and delicious meal--I felt an intense urge to go to the beach. I raced out of my hotel.
As I reached the soft sand at the bottom of the staircase, I sprinted to the ocean. Without any inhibitions, I jumped into the arms of a long, lost friend. The fresh waters reciprocated with a genuine embrace. I layed in the wet sand with joyous force in my throat ready to burst with laughter and a free-spirited "ahhhh!" I later fell asleep in the sand to the melodic tune of rising and falling tides.

Another evening, a few of my wonderful teammates and I journeyed to a mountain trail for a long run. After my legs burned up the first incline, I felt free and unstoppable. I soared up and down the beautiful dirt hills in the midst of lush greenery and sherbert skies. At the 4 mile mark, I reached a zenith that overlooked the silky ocean shore. A similar joy overflowed from my entire being. What a sight. What a miracle.

Over the past few years, an epiphany has reappeared in the stream of my flowing thoughts. At first it seemed absurd, but I've come to realize that it's perhaps the clearest, most genuine, heartfelt realization that shows up in my life.

The Earth is my best friend. She never asks, nor takes. She openly reveals her true colors without shame, nor pride. Despite the turbulence our minds create, she always awaits with a powerful counsel. She never judges, diagnoses, or psychoanalyzes. She simply allows her soft winds, bright stars, trickles of rain, and wholesome manifestations to cleanse and re-center our spiritual, physical, and mental imbalances.

Many people wonder why I love to run so much. Hell, I wonder why I love to run so much. But I know this passion ties in with the sense of "home" I feel while immersed in nature. I cannot describe the peace of seeing, feeling, smelling, and hearing all of the wonderful elements throughout a long run, walk, bike, or sit. I could approach mother nature feeling anxious, distraught, or downtrodden and leave feeling completely content and thankful-two of life's key ingredients for happiness.

She's seen us in pain; she's seen us radiate. Through it all, she continues beaming with love and painting picturesque works of art for our pleasure.

A love, a beauty that quenches the parched spirits of this world.

The Tao of Writing (or ANYTHING)

A few days ago, I randomly decided to go to the bookstore to see what I could find. While aimlessly perusing, I stumbled across the book "The Tao of Writing" by Ralph Wahlstrom. A lightbulb in my head switched on..
This looks interesting.
I was right.

In the first segment, Wahlstrom addressed how "most people in approaching a writing task write against the flow, constantly bumping up against and trying to overcome the rocky rules of writing".

In other words, many people struggle with ideas and language because the need to be "correct" outweighs the desire to be genuine, creative, and expressive. I can agree with this notion, for I admittedly dread writing assignments. In approaching formal papers, an indescribable stress brews in my head, which typically leads me down the all-to-familiar path of procrastination. However, because I do love writing (and the idea of actually finishing college), I can usually break free of the "writers funk" to get the assignment completed.

Even then, I rarely feel like thoughts freely transcribe from my brain to the paper. There's usually a net that filters anything outlandish, incoherent, or gramatically incorrect. Even when writing for my own eyes, I toil over the mechanics of writing, syntax, diction, and punctuation. This is because I've been conditioned and trained throughout my whole life to adhere to the rules of producing good essays.

After leaving the bookstore, I drove home and listened one of my new favorite songs.

I dig my toes into the sand

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds

Strewn across a blue blanket

I lean against the wind, pretend I am weightless

And in this moment, I am happy. Happy

-Incubus

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be. No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise who turned your way and saw something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end. But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize when he catches his reflection on accident -Deathcab for Cutie

Musicians make the most abstract song lyrics seem so beautiful, familiar, and oddly relatable. Perhaps they abandoned the "rules" of writing, and allowed the raw, unhampered ideas to flow out of them.

With that thought, I'll leave you with one of Wahlstrom's reflections:
"When we try to force the writing, we often end up with uniteresting, barren, joyless text. When we tap into the flow, we are likely to find ourselves carried along on a joyful, creative, fulfilling stream".

Coexist: Recurring Themes In Major Religious Teachings and Practices

bell hooks (her first name is uncapitalized), a prominent feminist ethicist, has devoted a large portion of her adult life seeking to deconstruct and develop a paradigm of morality “capable of delivering our popular culture from persistently racist, sexist, homophobic, imperialist, and classist normative ideals” (Bracci & Christians, 2002). In her writing, she illustrates how race, class, gender, sexual orientation, and ethnicity are socially constructed systems that create oppressive and prejudiced barriers among people. Furthermore, she illustrates how eradicating social injustice requires developing new communicative processes, creating open playing fields for production, ending violence and domination, and cultivating a critically reflective and aware society. In essence, she calls individuals to embrace “diversity and complexity of image” and exercise an ethic of love that respects the integrity of humankind (Bracci & Christians, 2002).
While hooks grew up attending a fundamentalist Baptist church in the United States, her prominent works echo teachings from a multitude of spiritual traditions across the world. As a writer and philosopher, she draws inspiration from leaders of varying religious and cultural backgrounds, such as Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk; Martin Luther King, a Baptist preacher; and Erich Pinchas Fromm a Jewish Psychologist. This highlights her openness to break dogmatic barriers and extract gems of wisdom from diverse religious teachers and beliefs. hooks’ ethics of respecting and loving all people, eradicating prejudice behaviors, and being reflective, aware beings are the foundations of many diverse religions—especially Christianity/Judaism, Buddhism, and Hinduism.

Respect and Love

The core of hooks’ ethical pedagogy consists of showing love, compassion, and respect to all people. During the opening keynote at the “Women of Color” conference, hooks illustrates how “love is a spiritual path that liberates” (2006). Despite the prevalence of dominance and oppression in the world, most major religions echo hooks’ emphasis love and respect.
In Christianity and Judaism, “showing compassion is how believers imitate the infinite kindness and love that God showers upon them” (Gellman & Hartman, 2002). In the Christian Bible, Luke 6:27-36 reads: “But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, and do good to them which hate you. Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smitheth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also. Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.” This biblical verse illustrates how Christians value selflessness and love— especially in the face of challenging situations.
While Christians strive to please their God, Buddhists practice compassion and love as a means of liberating the mind of attachments, desires, and suffering. In Mahayana Buddhism, a Bodhisattva, or “awakened one” is a prime example of self sacrificing love. He or she is “a person who has attained enlightenment, has tasted the sweet roots of freedom, but comes back to the physical plane of existence to help others find the same experience” (Gellman & Hartman, 2002). Thich Nhat Hanh, an influential Bodhisattva explains, “aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and learn ways to protect lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to condone any killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life” (www.religioustolerance.org).
The core of Hinduism is the belief in Brahman, or the underlying universal life force that embodies existence. Hindu scriptures suggest that ignorance of “the true nature of the self as one with Brahman” traps people in the vicious cycle of reincarnation (Sivananda, 1999). Pure acts, thoughts and devotion are seen as a primary means to end the cycle of death and rebirth. In Hindu scripture, Anusansana Parva 113.8 translates that “one should not behave towards others in a way which is disagreeable to oneself. This is the essence of morality. All other activities are due to selfish desire” (Gellman & Hartman, 2002).
While Christians, Jews, Buddhists, and Hindus have varying existential philosophies, the emphasis of exercising compassion, love, and respect for people is a vital element of spiritual growth.

Ending Violence, Discrimination, and Prejudice

In her writing, hooks highlights the need to discontinue patterns of prejudice, violence, discrimination, and exploitation running along lines of gender, race, class, and sexuality. At a “Women of Color” conference, she explains:
We force our children out of the wholeness and connectedness in which they begin their lives. Instead of cultivating intimacy, we teach boys and girls in complementary ways to bury their deepest selves; to stop speaking and attending to the truth; to hold in mistrust or even in closeness our natures crave. It is this call to surrender our essential recognition of human interdependency for a dominator model of life which leads citizens to support a culture of domination and violence.” These well-articulated ideas and continue to echo the fundamental beliefs and virtues across a many religious practices (2006).
Along with exercising love, her message to end all dimensions violence can be found in number of diverse religious teachings.
In Judaism and Christianity, the root of nonviolence stems from the belief that God made everyone and each person bears the imprint of His holiness equally. (Gellman & Hartman, 2002) A passage in the New Testament of the Bible reads: “Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:38-39). In addition, Proverbs 10:11 says: “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.”
Furthermore, Christians and Jews believe God commands justice for orphans and widows, the oppressed, the meek, the poor, and the vulnerable. In essence, God is always on the side of the victims. Theologians suggest the Christian faith has endured for so long because followers find solace and hope in a God who cares for those with no power. In a world fraught with violence and oppression, many Christians and Jews find hope in God’s power to end violence and injustice.
In Buddhism, the root of anti-prejudice and nonviolence lies in the belief that “all living things are on a journey to enlightenment, and that people must abandon the self and its emotions (anger, jealously, and desire) in order to reach enlightenment” (Gellman & Hartman, 2002). Buddhists also call attention to the interconnectedness of all life. An article regarding Buddha’s teachings reads, “we are the same as plants, as trees, as other people, as the rain that falls. We consist of that which is around us, we are the same as everything. If we destroy something around us, we destroy ourselves. If we cheat another, we cheat ourselves” (Cohen, 1969).
Chapter XVI, verse II of the Bhagavad-Gita, a sacred Hindu text, translates: “deceitfulness, and arrogance, and pride, Quickness to anger, harsh and evil speech, And ignorance, to its own darkness blind, These be the signs, My Prince! of him whose birth Is fated for the regions of the vile” (Gellman & Hartman, 2002). This verse captures the powerful virtue of nonviolence in the Hindu faith.
In Hinduism and Buddhism alike, the word “Ahisma” refers to the concept of non-violent, non-injurious opposition of evil. This comprehensive term promotes the “entire abstinence of causing any pain or harm to any living creature, either by thought, word, or deed. Non-injury requires a harmless mind, mouth, and hand”. The vow of Ahimsa is broken by showing contempt towards any other human being, such as: “entertaining unreasonable dislike for or prejudice towards anybody, frowning at another, by hating another, by abusing another, by speaking ill of others, by backbiting or vilifying, by harboring thoughts of hatred, by uttering lies, or by ruining another in any way whatsoever” (Gellman & Hartman, 2002)

Awareness and Reflection

As an intellectual, professor, and writer, hooks’ wholeheartedly reiterates the importance and necessity of awareness and critical reflection in all societies. At the “Women of Color” conference she passionately states, “while there are many ways to learn epistemologies, we all know that experience coupled with awareness and critical reflection about what’s happening around us and why is one of life’s great teachers” (2006). The practice of deep reflection and expanded awareness undoubtedly plays an integral role in Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism.
Christians practice reflection and expanded awareness through prayer. Prayer typically consists of speaking, reflecting, writing, singing, or conversing on a deep level with God. Through prayer, Christians believe the almighty Father will guide and cultivate wisdom in their thoughts, actions, and words. In Philippians 1:8-10 of the Bible, Paul writes: “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.”
In Buddhism, meditation is the primary method of engaging in intrapersonal reflection and expanding awareness. While Christians communicate with a divine, cosmic Being, Buddhists meditate by practicing techniques that develop mindfulness, concentration, tranquility, and insight. Through meditation, Buddhists detach themselves from the desire and fear of the “mind” in order to experience the joy of awareness and enlightenment.
Hindu’s practice deep, critical reflection through prayer, meditation, and yoga. Karma Yoga, one of the four primary types of Hindu meditation, aims to “cultivate of virtues such as tolerance, adaptability, sympathy, mercy, equal vision, balance of mind, cosmic love, patience, perseverance, humility, generosity, nobility, self-restraint, control of anger, non-violence, truthfulness, moderation in eating, drinking and sleeping, simple living and endurance” (Sivananda, 1999).

Disintegrating the Illusion of Separateness

Towards the end of her keynote speech at the “Women of Color” conference, hooks claims,

“the aspect of religious faith that I cherish is the mystical dimension, the focus on love and union with divine spirit. Any time we work to end dueling domination; we are doing the work of love” (2006).

After trudging through the daunting struggles of racial oppression and segregation, religious hypocrisy, and familial dysfunction; hooks develops and promotes a paradigm of morality rooted in love and compassion. She strives to shatter the illusions of separateness not only within race, gender, sexuality, and ethnicity, but also religion. Instead of close-mindedly following one religion, she extrapolates wise teachings and practices from a multitude of religions. In turn, diverse religious teachings throughout the world echo hooks’ ideas, and that alone provides immense validity for her claims.