Thoughts on Minimalism:
As many (or not so many) of you know, I recently completed my first marathon in May. To my surprise and delight, it was an amazing experience. The rush of pain amounted to a foreign rush of joy. Nothing compares to crushing through the wall of limitation. Nothing.
While the 26.2 was an unforgettable experience, my goal isn’t to marinate in the fulfillment of the accomplishment. Rather, I am here to talk about shoes. And no, not in a diva “oh-my-gad-I-love-shoes” way. As a matter of fact, shoes aren’t necessarily the object of my focus today. They are the medium through which I mustered up a thought provoking realization.
Back to my story.
Filled with motivation and excitement, I began running shortly after the marathon. And by shortly, I mean two days later. Realistically, I should’ve waited longer before I thought of running. But let’s face it, I’m stubborn and a big sucker for waves of excitement--even at the cost of my own body. (I’ll work on that). You may guess what the next part of the story is. Go ahead, guess…
A fiendish twinge in my right knee appeared two weeks later. At first, it was merely a twinge. Later, it debilitated me. Now, I’ve been through injuries before, and they’ve gotten easier to deal with. But not by much. Truth be told, my name is Amy and I am an endorphin-holic. Getting cut off from physical movement is a little short of devastating. But I managed.
2 weeks went by. The knee took its sweet, precious time to make any improvement. I still couldn’t run well, but I tried. In fact, I remember the night. It was one of those dreamy midsummer nights--the smell of lush green grass, sporadic fireworks bursting in the sky, a warm breeze, and a hobbling weirdo (me) on the sidewalks.
The Nimbi, my babies, failed me. Nimbi was the name of my cloud-like, gel cushioned, fluff pillows that separated my feet from mother earth. How could they fail me now? They had already gotten me through an entire marathon, and then some. Did they get tired of me? Did I do something wrong?
Reminiscent of Forrest Gump when he shed his leg braces, I ripped the Nimbi off of my feet and threw them into a bush. Hello mother earth, we meet again. It’s been a while.
That night, I ran barefoot for four miles. Like infants awakened from a long slumber, my calves screamed. And my poor feet blistered like mad. But I ran 4 miles. More than I’d done in three weeks.
Since the reunion between my feet and the earth, I’ve made a brave and somewhat skeptical transition to minimalist shoes. Of course I am working on my form, but I’m like rambunctious child anticipating something to blow up on account of my own foolishness. It’s been two weeks and my knee feels much better. The other day, I slipped on my Nimbi again to give them one last chance at redemption. They are now sitting in a big pile of “returned shoes” at the shoe store.
Beyond running, I cannot help but wonder if minimalism is a better way of life. Are plush, overdeveloped shoes a microcosm of a larger issue? Are the less-than-necessary commodities we surround ourselves and feed ourselves with like the Nimbi--feel good, look good--but forces that separate us from our nature intended selves?
Will the minimalist route wield the most success? Only time will tell. But for now, it feels really great to be running the way my body was designed to run.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Road to Colfax
Last week, an intense rush of inspiration came over me in Los Angeles. As I jogged out in the chilly downpour of rain and watched Alex annihilate the LA Marathon, I realized it was my time to have a stab at the 26.2 mile challenge. (Thanks Alex for being such an awesome motivator!)
I've always been a middle distance runner. I enjoy (relatively) shorter, faster races. But, at this point in my running career, I know it's time to try something different. The marathon is on May 15th, 2011. This gives me roughly seven weeks to tune up for the race.
As of right now: The longest run I've recently done is 16 miles (in early February). Alex and I held a solid 7:45 minute per mile pace (if not faster) throughout the duration of the run. Last week, I ran an hour and forty minutes with relative ease, did some speed work, and ran a 5k in 19 min 19 sec--a sub par performance if I must say so myself. I know I could've ran much faster, but it was a decent place to start after nearly four months of not racing.
Anyhoot, I am going to share this seven week odyssey to Colfax. I have no idea what to expect, but I will shoot for the moon and see what happens.
March 21st, 2011
Today, I ran about 55 minutes in Hollywood. It began raining really hard, so I had to cut it a little short. However, during this epic rain run, I saw a sign that brought a smile to my face. It said: "If you are losing faith in humanity, watch the marathoners". Woo hoo!
Total time: 55 minutes
March 22, 2011
When I arrived home from Hollywood on Monday night, I told myself I wanted to wake up in the morning to run before work. There is something very therapeutic about morning runs--especially before a long day. This early adventure allowed me to reflect on this week's goals and enjoy a sunrise to John Mayer's "Vultures". I ran 50minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening.
Total time: 80 minutes
March 23, 2011
I felt antsy at work today. Let's be real: sitting at a desk for a prolonged period of time is not my fortay. I wanted to jump out of my office chair to go outside! Oh well, I guess 10 bathroom breaks a day will suffice :) Tonight, I decided to give my body a little break. I cycled for 100 minutes after work and did some sissy strength training. Whenever I up my mileage, strength training tends to get put on the backburner, but I am going to commit to lifting once or twice a week from here on out. I am a firm believer in strength training for runners. (Light weight, many reps). It not only helps prevent injuries, it improves overall running economy. The workout felt very smooth. If it wasn't midnight, I would have biked longer!
Note to self: Kale, tomatoes, tofu, and chia seeds lead to great things. :o)
Total time: 100 minutes of cycling
March 24, 2011
Despite some mid-day slugishness, I felt quite ambitious today. After attending Alex's sister's talent show (which she did awesome in) and going on a sample raid at Yogurtland, I ventured out into the night. I ran a solid 80 minutes at a 7:30-7:35 pace. It felt really smooth. For a while, I got lost in the music and almost forgot I was running. I love nights like these.
Today I'm so immensely thankful. Thankful for my friends, family, health, employment, nourishment, running, and access life's necessities. Tonight, I ran to honor running--in and of itself--and the many things I am thankful for.
Total time: 80 minutes
March 25th, 2011
Today was bittersweet. I attended an old friend's funeral with my dad. During the service, a flood of memories flashed across my mind. It was a reunion with my childhood; a reunion with the reality of life's fleetingness. After the funeral, I ran an enjoyable hour. I thought about the people who've had profound influences in my life. I could name them all, but they are too numerous to count. Some people make monumental impacts; others plant tiny seeds. In a way, I am the sum of all the people and situations that have influenced, challenged, and inspired me. And at the end of the day, it is my desire to influence other people in positive ways too. Today running was not about pacing, pushing, or pain. It was a tribute to those who inspire me, and a desire to pay it forward.
Total time: 60 minutes
March 26th, 2011
Today, various time constraints prevented me from running too long. I ran 35 minutes in the morning and relaxed the rest of the day. I had a heart-to-heart with one of my best friends, which was more refreshing than another run would've been. Afterwards, Alex made some spaghetti and we joked and laughed into the wee hours of the morning. As far as I'm concerned, today was a success :)
Total time: 35 minutes and some spirit strengthening.
March 27, 2011
This morning, I woke up at 7:10 a.m. and trotted out into the crisp morning. I challenged myself to a two hour run and ended up exceeding the goal by ten minutes. I've always had a hard time doing long runs, but for some reason this one went very smooth. I zoned out, fantasized about the marathon, listened to music, and practiced being mentally strong. Running requires a ton of mental strength. If and when the marathon arrives, I know my mental state will have a huge impact on my performance.
After the run, I felt really sluggish. I was quite deflated at work, which made me feel bad. I guess that's the price of running a lot of miles. I think I need to start planning difficult days around my work schedule so I don't devote all of my energy to the trails.
Total time: 130 minutes
March 28
Today my knees were feeling the wrath of the 130 minute run, so I cross trained. Biked about 45 minutes
March 29
After some good rest, I did some mile repeats. I did 5x1600 meter repeats at an average of 6:20 per mile. At the end I did an 800 meter interval in 3:00 minutes. Overall, the workout felt very smooth. I ended it feeling like I could do more. Later, I biked for about 20 minutes.
March 30
50 minutes
March 31
70 minutes
April 1
5 minutes
April 2
Half-Marathon. 1:31. I went out WAY too fast! In fact, I think I PR'ed in the 10k. The race was sloppy, but I learned a lot and I will be mentally prepared for the next go-around. All in all, it was a fabulous race! Time to up the ante!
April 3
Biked for an hour
April 4
Alex and I ran about 60 minutes. Yay for running beneath the stars with my inspiration!
April 5
Today I ran 50 minutes in the morning and 25 in the evening. Both felt okay. Not great, not bad. Other than the bloody nose I got on the second run! EEK!
April 6, 2011
Tonight I ran 60 minutes in the rain scented night. I finally feel fully recovered from the half-marathon last weekend.
Total Time: 60 minutes
April 7
I needed a mental and physical break, so I took the day off. Alex and I took a swing dancing class together and got a tarot reading (purely for the experience). The psychic told me that I should be more attentive to detail. It was great food for thought.
Later we made a pita concoction and relaxed. Yay for swing dancing!
April 8
After a much needed day off, I ran 80 minutes in the evening. It felt very smooth--as if I could've gone longer. I ran without headphones tonight--which allowed me to clear my head and meditate.
Total time: 80 minutes
April 9
This morning, Deanna and I met at the break of dawn at the ol' Reg for an hour run. It was a blast from the not-so-distant past. We took it very easy, talked, and just enjoyed the fact that we were awake and moving!
Total time: 60 minutes
April 10th
Well, today was a milestone in my running career. I completed a 20 mile run on the highline canal trail. Towards the end, I was overwhelmed with such passion and joy.
Total time: 3 hours
I've always been a middle distance runner. I enjoy (relatively) shorter, faster races. But, at this point in my running career, I know it's time to try something different. The marathon is on May 15th, 2011. This gives me roughly seven weeks to tune up for the race.
As of right now: The longest run I've recently done is 16 miles (in early February). Alex and I held a solid 7:45 minute per mile pace (if not faster) throughout the duration of the run. Last week, I ran an hour and forty minutes with relative ease, did some speed work, and ran a 5k in 19 min 19 sec--a sub par performance if I must say so myself. I know I could've ran much faster, but it was a decent place to start after nearly four months of not racing.
Anyhoot, I am going to share this seven week odyssey to Colfax. I have no idea what to expect, but I will shoot for the moon and see what happens.
March 21st, 2011
Today, I ran about 55 minutes in Hollywood. It began raining really hard, so I had to cut it a little short. However, during this epic rain run, I saw a sign that brought a smile to my face. It said: "If you are losing faith in humanity, watch the marathoners". Woo hoo!
Total time: 55 minutes
March 22, 2011
When I arrived home from Hollywood on Monday night, I told myself I wanted to wake up in the morning to run before work. There is something very therapeutic about morning runs--especially before a long day. This early adventure allowed me to reflect on this week's goals and enjoy a sunrise to John Mayer's "Vultures". I ran 50minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening.
Total time: 80 minutes
March 23, 2011
I felt antsy at work today. Let's be real: sitting at a desk for a prolonged period of time is not my fortay. I wanted to jump out of my office chair to go outside! Oh well, I guess 10 bathroom breaks a day will suffice :) Tonight, I decided to give my body a little break. I cycled for 100 minutes after work and did some sissy strength training. Whenever I up my mileage, strength training tends to get put on the backburner, but I am going to commit to lifting once or twice a week from here on out. I am a firm believer in strength training for runners. (Light weight, many reps). It not only helps prevent injuries, it improves overall running economy. The workout felt very smooth. If it wasn't midnight, I would have biked longer!
Note to self: Kale, tomatoes, tofu, and chia seeds lead to great things. :o)
Total time: 100 minutes of cycling
March 24, 2011
Despite some mid-day slugishness, I felt quite ambitious today. After attending Alex's sister's talent show (which she did awesome in) and going on a sample raid at Yogurtland, I ventured out into the night. I ran a solid 80 minutes at a 7:30-7:35 pace. It felt really smooth. For a while, I got lost in the music and almost forgot I was running. I love nights like these.
Today I'm so immensely thankful. Thankful for my friends, family, health, employment, nourishment, running, and access life's necessities. Tonight, I ran to honor running--in and of itself--and the many things I am thankful for.
Total time: 80 minutes
March 25th, 2011
Today was bittersweet. I attended an old friend's funeral with my dad. During the service, a flood of memories flashed across my mind. It was a reunion with my childhood; a reunion with the reality of life's fleetingness. After the funeral, I ran an enjoyable hour. I thought about the people who've had profound influences in my life. I could name them all, but they are too numerous to count. Some people make monumental impacts; others plant tiny seeds. In a way, I am the sum of all the people and situations that have influenced, challenged, and inspired me. And at the end of the day, it is my desire to influence other people in positive ways too. Today running was not about pacing, pushing, or pain. It was a tribute to those who inspire me, and a desire to pay it forward.
Total time: 60 minutes
March 26th, 2011
Today, various time constraints prevented me from running too long. I ran 35 minutes in the morning and relaxed the rest of the day. I had a heart-to-heart with one of my best friends, which was more refreshing than another run would've been. Afterwards, Alex made some spaghetti and we joked and laughed into the wee hours of the morning. As far as I'm concerned, today was a success :)
Total time: 35 minutes and some spirit strengthening.
March 27, 2011
This morning, I woke up at 7:10 a.m. and trotted out into the crisp morning. I challenged myself to a two hour run and ended up exceeding the goal by ten minutes. I've always had a hard time doing long runs, but for some reason this one went very smooth. I zoned out, fantasized about the marathon, listened to music, and practiced being mentally strong. Running requires a ton of mental strength. If and when the marathon arrives, I know my mental state will have a huge impact on my performance.
After the run, I felt really sluggish. I was quite deflated at work, which made me feel bad. I guess that's the price of running a lot of miles. I think I need to start planning difficult days around my work schedule so I don't devote all of my energy to the trails.
Total time: 130 minutes
March 28
Today my knees were feeling the wrath of the 130 minute run, so I cross trained. Biked about 45 minutes
March 29
After some good rest, I did some mile repeats. I did 5x1600 meter repeats at an average of 6:20 per mile. At the end I did an 800 meter interval in 3:00 minutes. Overall, the workout felt very smooth. I ended it feeling like I could do more. Later, I biked for about 20 minutes.
March 30
50 minutes
March 31
70 minutes
April 1
5 minutes
April 2
Half-Marathon. 1:31. I went out WAY too fast! In fact, I think I PR'ed in the 10k. The race was sloppy, but I learned a lot and I will be mentally prepared for the next go-around. All in all, it was a fabulous race! Time to up the ante!
April 3
Biked for an hour
April 4
Alex and I ran about 60 minutes. Yay for running beneath the stars with my inspiration!
April 5
Today I ran 50 minutes in the morning and 25 in the evening. Both felt okay. Not great, not bad. Other than the bloody nose I got on the second run! EEK!
April 6, 2011
Tonight I ran 60 minutes in the rain scented night. I finally feel fully recovered from the half-marathon last weekend.
Total Time: 60 minutes
April 7
I needed a mental and physical break, so I took the day off. Alex and I took a swing dancing class together and got a tarot reading (purely for the experience). The psychic told me that I should be more attentive to detail. It was great food for thought.
Later we made a pita concoction and relaxed. Yay for swing dancing!
April 8
After a much needed day off, I ran 80 minutes in the evening. It felt very smooth--as if I could've gone longer. I ran without headphones tonight--which allowed me to clear my head and meditate.
Total time: 80 minutes
April 9
This morning, Deanna and I met at the break of dawn at the ol' Reg for an hour run. It was a blast from the not-so-distant past. We took it very easy, talked, and just enjoyed the fact that we were awake and moving!
Total time: 60 minutes
April 10th
Well, today was a milestone in my running career. I completed a 20 mile run on the highline canal trail. Towards the end, I was overwhelmed with such passion and joy.
Total time: 3 hours
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Doowylloh!
Doow-yll-oh, a close, yet faraway land where aspiring, artisic souls roam. Burning and raging with urgency--as if fantasies of "making it" inch away with each passing moment.
A land with kings, emperors, beggars, and peasants. Where royalty resides in glittering palaces deep in the hills and peasants rummage in the city's forgotten crevices.
Behind closed eyes, the commoners grasp the hills with a constricting force, salivating for a sweet drop of fame. Only to awaken to the cold, unrelenting streets. Reality. They are slave to the master: desire, which unforgivingly chews, swallows, and spits them out.
Only a select few make it to the hills. Yet, the question still begs: have they overcome the master? Or are they, like the peasants, starving to satisfy an insatiable desire?
The wheels spin on and on. Faster and harder all the time. Regardeless of status, the notion of success and fame lingers, like bait in an ocean of hungry spirits.
A land with kings, emperors, beggars, and peasants. Where royalty resides in glittering palaces deep in the hills and peasants rummage in the city's forgotten crevices.
Behind closed eyes, the commoners grasp the hills with a constricting force, salivating for a sweet drop of fame. Only to awaken to the cold, unrelenting streets. Reality. They are slave to the master: desire, which unforgivingly chews, swallows, and spits them out.
Only a select few make it to the hills. Yet, the question still begs: have they overcome the master? Or are they, like the peasants, starving to satisfy an insatiable desire?
The wheels spin on and on. Faster and harder all the time. Regardeless of status, the notion of success and fame lingers, like bait in an ocean of hungry spirits.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
In Times Like These
Each year, something devastating happens in our world. From the 9/11 tragedy, to Haiti, to Egypt, Iraq, Korea, Tibet, Germany, and now Japan. Something catastrophic seems to always loom around the corner, waiting to cause a disaster.
In grave times; however, instead of wallowing in the tragedy, why not take the time to stop and take a few steps back?
The thought of goliath hurricanes, tsunamis, hunger, violence, wars, and terrorist attacks take the burden off the menial tribulations and imperfections in life. Suddenly, the parking ticket, the late movie fee, the scraped knee, the bad grade on the test, and the head cold become but specs of dust that dissppate with time.
It's not enjoyable to hear about unfathomable travesties; but when they occur, it's a pleasent reminder to slow down and reaquaint with a clearer perspective. To stop cursing the annoying people, situations, and inevitable trip-ups. And to instead, start embracing--with more power--the infinite beauties.
There is nothing but space, time, and destiny that separate you and I from the countless lives in Japan, Haiti, Egypt, New York, and Iraq. Instead of sitting on the couch thinking that our tears, anxieties, and wishes will miraculously heal the troubles of the world, it's important to embrace a fierce initiative to take care of ourselves, to love, and live life to the fullest--however that appears in your life.
Why? Because we can. And not many people can say that right now. There may be a time when we, ourselves, cannot say that.
At this moment, health, air, love, and safety are within grasp. There are no greater necessities. That said, it's essential to let go of little problems, and to spread as much positive energy into the world as possible.
Because in times like these, it's not pity and empty wishes the world needs; but more people who are optimistic, kind, passionate, willing to grow, and grateful.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the sun:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
In grave times; however, instead of wallowing in the tragedy, why not take the time to stop and take a few steps back?
The thought of goliath hurricanes, tsunamis, hunger, violence, wars, and terrorist attacks take the burden off the menial tribulations and imperfections in life. Suddenly, the parking ticket, the late movie fee, the scraped knee, the bad grade on the test, and the head cold become but specs of dust that dissppate with time.
It's not enjoyable to hear about unfathomable travesties; but when they occur, it's a pleasent reminder to slow down and reaquaint with a clearer perspective. To stop cursing the annoying people, situations, and inevitable trip-ups. And to instead, start embracing--with more power--the infinite beauties.
There is nothing but space, time, and destiny that separate you and I from the countless lives in Japan, Haiti, Egypt, New York, and Iraq. Instead of sitting on the couch thinking that our tears, anxieties, and wishes will miraculously heal the troubles of the world, it's important to embrace a fierce initiative to take care of ourselves, to love, and live life to the fullest--however that appears in your life.
Why? Because we can. And not many people can say that right now. There may be a time when we, ourselves, cannot say that.
At this moment, health, air, love, and safety are within grasp. There are no greater necessities. That said, it's essential to let go of little problems, and to spread as much positive energy into the world as possible.
Because in times like these, it's not pity and empty wishes the world needs; but more people who are optimistic, kind, passionate, willing to grow, and grateful.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the sun:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Girl on the street
She sits on cold, stained concrete
Seeks light she cannot find
Who is this fiendish stranger that so softly crept inside?
In hunt for beaming rays; she dreams of breaking free
Yet she’s too weak to ascend
A bird, a broken wing.
Fantasies of what it could be
Blaze like fire in her mind
Like a sunrise to the blind
Like a lover left behind
Is this a dream? Is it a sign?
She sits on cold, stained concrete
Seeks truth in webs of lies
Who is this obscure invader that so gently broke inside?
She reaches to the sky; she envisions flying free
Yet her spirits’ much too parched
A boat, a dried up sea
Seeks light she cannot find
Who is this fiendish stranger that so softly crept inside?
In hunt for beaming rays; she dreams of breaking free
Yet she’s too weak to ascend
A bird, a broken wing.
Fantasies of what it could be
Blaze like fire in her mind
Like a sunrise to the blind
Like a lover left behind
Is this a dream? Is it a sign?
She sits on cold, stained concrete
Seeks truth in webs of lies
Who is this obscure invader that so gently broke inside?
She reaches to the sky; she envisions flying free
Yet her spirits’ much too parched
A boat, a dried up sea
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Dark Fuels Light
Tonight I went to my first AA meeting. The answer to your next question is no-I am not an alcoholic. However, my dad's friend Lee is. Lee and my dad go back many years. A few weeks ago, my dad received an unexpected phone call from a very drunk, belligerent Lee. After a long, dramatic night my dad and uncle found some AA meetings for him to attend.
This evening, my dad and uncle prepared to attend the meeting with Lee and asked me, out of politeness and slight skepticism, if I wanted to come. I'm sure they thought a girl like me would have no interest in attending an AA meeting. But my eyes lit up when they asked-"yes, I'll come", I said.
We arrived at the AA center-a vacant, old space wedged between a Chubby's and a liquor store (ironically). Surrounding the center was a group of lively folks-probably in their late 30's and 40's. Their smiles offset their weathered physical appearances. The first lady I met was named Sheryl. Upon meeting her, I offered a smile and said, "Hi, I'm Amy". She, in return, opened her arms and gave me a hug. Not one of those half-armed pity hugs, but a genuine embrace. I'm not sure if she thought I was an alcoholic, but I didn't care. I was captivated by the love she immediately shared without knowing a thing about me.
The meeting began. Similar to a church service, there were greetings, announcements, an offering, and a prayer. One of the gentlemen in the group introduced himself and said, "Hi my name is Mike, I'm an alcoholic. It's good to see all you fuckers". I cannot say I'll forget him.
Later, a recovering alcoholic, Steve, shared his story about his battle with the bottle. Despite is worldly success (a wife, kids, CEO) he almost drank himself to death numerous times. Through the strength of "a higher power" and an incredible support network, he overcame his addiction, although I'm certain he still struggles from time to time.
I could write for pages about the people I met and the essence of the environment. But what was so uplifting about the experience was that I felt love in each and every person I met. Alcohol has chewed, swallowed, and spit up these individuals. But they, despite their faults and misfortunes, refuse to surrender. They inspired me. If a lifelong drunk can put down a bottle, hug a stranger, and live to help others, I think it is possible for miracles in each and every one of our lives.
***
Last week, I also went out with one of my old friends, Soja.
I wish I could paint a picture of Soja's essence. She is a feisty red-haired woman that utters profanities at a cranky customers, smokes behind the dumpsters at work, and raves endlessly about Alijah, her 3 year old son, with giddyness in her hazel eyes. A woman with a delicate heart and a firey temperament, her presence never goes unnoticed.
At the age of 23, she's been through more than most people I know. She's battled the forces of addiction, endured the wrath of her PTSD father, suffered the loss of her child's father and dear baby nephew, and single handedly supports her saving grace--Alijah.
As we sat together in the midst of a hundred speaking voices, her story tuned out all ambient noise. I cannot recall where it began and where it ended; nor does she. Perhaps there was no clear beginning or end.
She speaks..
An innocent girl banging her head against a towel rack flashes across my mind. Flash. She wanders in a field of darkness, overcome by the excruciating pleasure of methamphetamine and liquid courage. Flash. Tears flow down her bony cheeks as she learns of the life that grows inside her. Flash. She's ripping her hair out, vomiting, and screaming on a cold couch. Flash. She turns down the opportunity of drugged euphoria for the sake of her unborn child. Flash. The angel cries, and she's overwhelmed with love, prepared to move forward and never turn back.
Soja would've died if it weren't for an unexpected pregnancy at the age of 20. Now, her son is 3 years old and she supports him with her menial wages. She has been clean for 3 years and volunteers at a non-profit organization for troubled teens.
I was at the grocery store today and saw her. She gave be a big hug, as did her son. She was looking for a Halloween costume for Alijah. With bright eyes, he looked up and told me, "I'm gunna be a ROCK STAR this year". I looked at him and said, "but you already ARE a rock star!" I later realized that he is, at least in his mother's life :)
Soja is such a beautiful, strong individual. She unknowingly taught me the power of turning our inner darknesses into forces for good. Instead of having pity on herself and her past, she volunteers at an organization where she offers wisdom and counsel to people who face the battles she faced; and she loves her son with all her energy and might.
It’s people like her that make the world go round’.
This evening, my dad and uncle prepared to attend the meeting with Lee and asked me, out of politeness and slight skepticism, if I wanted to come. I'm sure they thought a girl like me would have no interest in attending an AA meeting. But my eyes lit up when they asked-"yes, I'll come", I said.
We arrived at the AA center-a vacant, old space wedged between a Chubby's and a liquor store (ironically). Surrounding the center was a group of lively folks-probably in their late 30's and 40's. Their smiles offset their weathered physical appearances. The first lady I met was named Sheryl. Upon meeting her, I offered a smile and said, "Hi, I'm Amy". She, in return, opened her arms and gave me a hug. Not one of those half-armed pity hugs, but a genuine embrace. I'm not sure if she thought I was an alcoholic, but I didn't care. I was captivated by the love she immediately shared without knowing a thing about me.
The meeting began. Similar to a church service, there were greetings, announcements, an offering, and a prayer. One of the gentlemen in the group introduced himself and said, "Hi my name is Mike, I'm an alcoholic. It's good to see all you fuckers". I cannot say I'll forget him.
Later, a recovering alcoholic, Steve, shared his story about his battle with the bottle. Despite is worldly success (a wife, kids, CEO) he almost drank himself to death numerous times. Through the strength of "a higher power" and an incredible support network, he overcame his addiction, although I'm certain he still struggles from time to time.
I could write for pages about the people I met and the essence of the environment. But what was so uplifting about the experience was that I felt love in each and every person I met. Alcohol has chewed, swallowed, and spit up these individuals. But they, despite their faults and misfortunes, refuse to surrender. They inspired me. If a lifelong drunk can put down a bottle, hug a stranger, and live to help others, I think it is possible for miracles in each and every one of our lives.
***
Last week, I also went out with one of my old friends, Soja.
I wish I could paint a picture of Soja's essence. She is a feisty red-haired woman that utters profanities at a cranky customers, smokes behind the dumpsters at work, and raves endlessly about Alijah, her 3 year old son, with giddyness in her hazel eyes. A woman with a delicate heart and a firey temperament, her presence never goes unnoticed.
At the age of 23, she's been through more than most people I know. She's battled the forces of addiction, endured the wrath of her PTSD father, suffered the loss of her child's father and dear baby nephew, and single handedly supports her saving grace--Alijah.
As we sat together in the midst of a hundred speaking voices, her story tuned out all ambient noise. I cannot recall where it began and where it ended; nor does she. Perhaps there was no clear beginning or end.
She speaks..
An innocent girl banging her head against a towel rack flashes across my mind. Flash. She wanders in a field of darkness, overcome by the excruciating pleasure of methamphetamine and liquid courage. Flash. Tears flow down her bony cheeks as she learns of the life that grows inside her. Flash. She's ripping her hair out, vomiting, and screaming on a cold couch. Flash. She turns down the opportunity of drugged euphoria for the sake of her unborn child. Flash. The angel cries, and she's overwhelmed with love, prepared to move forward and never turn back.
Soja would've died if it weren't for an unexpected pregnancy at the age of 20. Now, her son is 3 years old and she supports him with her menial wages. She has been clean for 3 years and volunteers at a non-profit organization for troubled teens.
I was at the grocery store today and saw her. She gave be a big hug, as did her son. She was looking for a Halloween costume for Alijah. With bright eyes, he looked up and told me, "I'm gunna be a ROCK STAR this year". I looked at him and said, "but you already ARE a rock star!" I later realized that he is, at least in his mother's life :)
Soja is such a beautiful, strong individual. She unknowingly taught me the power of turning our inner darknesses into forces for good. Instead of having pity on herself and her past, she volunteers at an organization where she offers wisdom and counsel to people who face the battles she faced; and she loves her son with all her energy and might.
It’s people like her that make the world go round’.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Cutting Through Ingrained Perspectives
Without much mental energy, what pops into your mind at the mention of “self-mutilation”? Based on the social taboo correlated to the topic, I am assuming that that puppies, dandelions, and unicorns did not dance into your stream of thoughts.
Self-mutilation is loosely defined as the intentional, direct injuring of body tissue without suicidal intent. Let’s be honest, many people think of a black haired teenager (with the swoop of hair over the eyes) cutting his arms. While this is no joking matter, I’m interested in digging deeper (no pun intended) into the nature of self-mutilation. As much as we cringe at the thought of it, I’m willing to assume that almost everyone self-mutilates is some fashion. The only difference is the varying perceptions of what it means.
In some cultures, men and women insert lip plates to express pride and identity. They walk across beds of hot embers and coals as a form of religious ceremony. There are also certain tribes that sit in hot, sauna-like rooms for extensive periods of time to "cleanse the spirit". Do they consider these acts to be forms of self-mutilation? Most likely not; however, some people immediately consider these act to be masochistic.
When we broaden our vision, we see that in other cultures, people get body piercings and tattoos. They drink until oblivion, do meth, smoke cigarettes, and consume toxic foods. There are athletes that train through unparalleled amounts of pains and injuries, and people that work tirelessly to make ends meet. Would these be considered self-mutilating behaviors? To some, yes. To others, not so much.
The point of this is not to deliberate on true nature of self-mutilation--I’m sure we have our own opinions.
The point is to expand our minds. Too often we all cling to cemented ideas and feelings about the “the way things are”, “what things mean”, and “the way things should be”. When we re-shape our thoughts, dismiss our preconceived notions, and view things from new perspectives, the opportunity for growth, creativity, connection, and empathy arises. We naturally learn to dismiss judgment and have an open mind to philosophies and modes of thought.
So, I ask once again..What pops into your mind at the mention of "self mutilation?"
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